Look, we’re all adults, we can all face this together with no sniggers please.
I went to the doctors today, mainly because i have an itch I cannot scratch… by this I don’t mean an ache in my heart, but more one up my bum.
It’s been driving me crazy, properly so. I wake up in the night and am close to dragging my arse along the carpet like a dog with worms (nb… I haven’t got worms)
Anyhow, I finally thought this is the kind of thing that I should get some cream for and sort it all out. So into the doctors i went.
The first problem was that the dr I had been randomly chosen was a young female one - I’m not the kind of guy that usually shows his arse to young females, no matter hat their profession.
The first thing she asked me was whether i minded it being recorded on video for some training thingy or somesuch
Of course I minded, I was about to explain i had a very itchy arse… this isn’t something one airs in public (ahem). But, embarrassment (which is odd considering) and not wanting to look like a cunt meant i said yes.
She smiled as though I’d done a good thing - she had no idea what I was going to reveal now.
I told her the problem, her face didn’t drop, but my trousers did (thankfully behind a screen and away from the camera (I think, i certainly couldn’t see the screen, they wouldn’t be that cruel… would they?))
She prescribed some cream and asked for a urine sample to test for diabetes (which I’d lied about, saying I’d not been test for ages cos I was quite looking forward to that pin prick test - I actually got tested last August when I fainted at the Stand during the fringe). So she gave me a pot to piss in and I went off to piss in it.
Only I couldn’t. I’d peed not long before and the situation got to me. I went back into the room, she looked either pitying or annoyed, I’m unsure which. I was dismayed to see the fancy tv screen was still recording the room - and the DVD recorder timer had still been ticking over - it was now on 17mins.
So somewhere now there are some medical students or examiners or watchdogs or cleaners watching a video of me getting my arse out then failing to piss.
I kinda hope i never get famous… I fear that this video may end up on a angus deayton fronted programme
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