Obviously, being a late-twenties english male, I am a big fan of The Italian Job (the old one, not the new one), and therefore there is a soft spot in my heart for the mini (the old one, not the new one).
I didn’t like the new one when it came out, being chunky and looking all safe and other modern things. But over the years since its release it has begrudgingly grown on me what with adverts and estate agents driving around in them (they are my favourite kind of people).
I have no interest really as I can’t drive and have no money, therefore there is no danger of the adverts actually working on me and me going out and buying one… it ain’t gonna happen – they’re wasting their time.
But today, my slight acceptance of the new mini in my psyche was removed with force outside Sainsbury’s.
I was in a good mood, listening to some good music on my generic mp3 player and off to buy a baguette. I was walking past the car park entrance bit and I saw a mini (a new one, not an old one) coming up the road, he (not being sexist, a man was driving, some minis are girls) looked like he was going to turn in to the car park.
I have been walking for years and knew that, despite my head being full of indie music, I had plenty of time to cross the mini road before he got anywhere near. I am good at judging this, this is why I am still alive.
But this bastard sped up… this isn’t so unusual, some people are cunts. I broke into a canter to get across the road, but this guy was really speeding and I had to gallop to the kerb and he just missed me by about 6 inches.
I made a naughty gesture with my hand and shouted “what the fuck?” a little louder than I’d meant to (I was still wearing headphones) and had some very strong violent visions, one of which included stabbing a biro in his neck causing his new mini to crash into the wall. But logistically this wasn’t easy so I let it go.
I soon calmed down my anger and then got all scared and hurt and fearful with a kind of fay “why would someone want to hurt me” expression on my face.
By the time I got into Sainsbury’s I was angry again and squeezed some of the baguettes I was testing for freshness a little too violently.
By the time I’d paid I was back to normal, only now, thanks to that cunt I can never love a new mini again. And I would have bought one, I would.