I have found myself eating lots of Chinese food in the last couple of weeks, no real reason why, just idly buying a pack of stir fry veg in tescos the other week and suddenly I now own both soy and fish sauce.
I’m not a great chinese cook, I get most of it on the floor, this is why China has such a large ceramic floor tiling industry, but I hate the racist englishness I feel when I go to eat my meal but have no chopsticks.
So yesterday, on my lunch break I went to Tesco’s to buy some noodles and some chopsticks, but the Tesco’s near Liverpool Street is also racist and despite selling all types of food from round the world when it comes to cutlery it is only forks and that.
In Sainsbury’s on the way home I check similarly and discover it is a conspiracy and have to eat with a fork again.
My mission today therefore is to get some fucking chopsticks, I know the most obvious place is a chinese restaurant. But the ones I walk past all keep their chopsticks away from the door and racist eaters like me, and when I have a cupboard full of noodles and beansprouts I don’t want to pay to at at their better tasting and better cooked tables.
I discover in two hours that only one place in Islington sells these things, and its a very posh kitchen shop, not woolworths (racist).
Then I decide to buy two pairs of chopsticks, merely because it would look rather pathetic if I ever cooked a lady a Chinese meal then had to sheepishly explain that I normally cook for one. I also bought a wok, but a racist one from Woolworths as it was only four pounds. But the inherent racial undertones of this wok hurt me, as the aerodynamicness of it means that not only more food on the floor but more hot oil elegantly splashed onto my arms. This is why China has the biggest Savlon industry