If comedy doesn’t work out I will fall back onto my second love, Formula One (or rather, my second love was a Polish girl in the car park behind Blockbuster in Cheltenham, anyway). Last night I had my Grand Plan of opening a Grand Prix themed restaurant.
Basically, whilst sat at the job at which I hate I was reading the internet (all of it), which I’m not allowed to do. and on a F1 news site there was a story about former Formula One driver Gerhard Berger slagging off current Formula One driver Juan Pablo Montoya.
I must have read this at around 4pm, I hadn’t eaten lunch (saving money) and was feeling slightly peckish. Reading about Gerhard Berger made me (quite obviously) think of burgers (it’s not a huge leap). And I started to fantasise about my tea, I’m getting sick of this baking malarkey, so I thought it might be a good idea to have an old fashioned dinner of … wait for it… BURGERS … and have them with chips and beans. Fuck me what a genius idea, it would be like being 12 again, only less miserable. A proper kids tea. And what if I got my chips from the chip shop? How good would that be?
So on the way home I stopped off at Sainsbury’s to get some burgers. I had a choice of 4 fresh ones in a plastic box for £1.88, or 4 frozen ones made of dogs for £1.18. It’s a no-brainer, and I bought the good shit, and also some reduced price sesame seed buns and some beans, then a bottle of HP. This was going to be a good dinner.
When I got home I put two of the burgers in a frying pan (yes, I know grilling is healthier, but fuck it, this is a one off bad for me meal, I’m frying it in the fat of dead children.
The oven was on low, when burgers cooked I shoved them in the oven to keep warm, prepared everything else and put the beans in a pan. I ran to the chippy, giving Dawn instructions to wait five minutes, turn the baked beans hob on and watch them burn.
I got to the chippy. It was shut.
WHAT KIND OF FUCKING CHIP SHOP SHUTS AT SEVEN PM?
What do I do, what do I do?
I couldn’t think of any other proper chip shops in the Islington area. Goddamnit. There were a few kebab shops on the same street, but they were all selling shitty fires. I wanted chips.
But dejectedly I got some fries and got home to sit down to my (still lovely) but slightly disappointing inaugural Grand Prix themed meal, Gerhard Berger, Chips and Beans.
Now I just need to think of other things for the menu. Um.
Thierry Boutsen in a basket?
Hakkinen and Raikkonen pie?
um…
Can you eat Senna-pods?