I have lost my nail clippers.
To some this would be a mere inconvenience, but to me, it’s a full on crisis.
I have a thing with nails. When they get past a certain length I go a bit loopy, right now as I type this occasionally ma nail will my contact with one of the keys. That really does freak me out a bit.
But I’m not a biter, I never bite the short, they are clipped very regularly.
Except when i don’t have clippers. I even took them to Edinburgh with me because I know this kind of crisis may well happen. And it did whilst I was there. But I had the clippers, I could be calmed within seconds.
And I know I bought them back with me as I have clipped them in London.
But where they are now I have no idea. My worst fear is that they’ve gone the same way as my potato peeler.
I cannot peel potatoes with a knife, this is one of the many reasons I decided not to join the army. I am, however, very good with a designated peeler. My ex girlfriend emm bought me a funky potato peeler when I moved into my flat, it was great and we had lot’s of vegetable peeling parties (I always won).
Then, on one very sad day as I scraped the peelings from the chopping board into the bin I can only conclude that I accidentally put the peeler in with them as it was never seen again.
I have tidied my flat verily in the last couple of weeks, I am scared the my little little big clippers are never to be seen again.
The crisis can of course be halted by buying some new ones, yes, but I have a very specific type, the big bastard ones, ok, not as specific as having to pay for an African child to forge them from his own teeth and be sent down river to be rested with salmon for a month. Mine are specific, but also readily available in Boots.
But they cost money, it is no lie that right now I have only £.50 to my name. I cannot piss this away on personal grooming.
So I’ll have to wait, I know that some of you might be wondering why I don’t just cut them, well one, I have no scissors and two, I can’t cut nails with scissors, just as I cannot peel potatoes with a knife, I also can’t peel a potato with scissors and am willing to bet money that I can’t cut my nails with a knife.
They are full of gunk.
And let’s not even think about the toes.
Pray for my clippers.