I gave someone some of my piss today, it’s ok though, she did ask for it. I was at the doctors having a health check. To register they need piss, maybe they sell it on afterwards and this is really how the NHS is funded.
I didn’t have to pee at the surgery though, they’d given me the pot when I made the appointment last week. In fact, avid notblog readers, I was thinking of writing about it today and talking about how skint I currently am, but the irony is that I do indeed have a pot to piss in.
But you are better than that.
And also, actually peeing into a pot is funnier. I do wonder if some of you think I make some of the stuff contained in the notblog up. But geniunely I’m either crap and things, or funny things happen to me.
This morning I awake, get up and do my normal morning things. I know I have to pee in a pot (this isn’t a normal morning thing) so upstairs I go, I let a bit of wee out into the toilet and then stop myself (yes, I can do this, this is unique to only me and I am infact a superhero), posititon the pot and then start again. The pot is full. I again stop stream, put pot on cistern then finish my relaxing widdle.
I then see that the piss in the pot is worryingly orange. My piss isn’t normally this oragne, and I’m slighlty concerned and, if I’m honest, a bit embarrassed. I can’t go giving orange piss to a nurse. I then remember that last night I had three cans of beer. This piss must be full of lager nastiness. They’ll think I’m an alcoholic.
Also, my normal morning things did involve a bit of, well, abuse, self gratification. What if some of that is still in there. She put the piss in the magical piss machine and a light will flash up saying I’m some kind of alcoholic pervert rapist. What if the machine really can detect semen, she let the reception know, I’ll be a laughing stock. I’ll never be able to use a coucnil run building in Islington again.
Ten minutes later I’m back in the bathroom. I need to pee again (I’ve drunk about three pints of water). I figure that if I tip away some of the original sample and top it up with some of this lighter piss then it will be less embarrassing for all.
But I tip away too much, the pot is empty. I go to pee, I’m panicking slightly my stream stopping techniques aren’t what they used to be. And there isn’t as much pee as I was expecting. The pot is only half full and it’s all overy my hands too.
And now the pee is too light. This is probably just water. They’ll think I’m some kind of freak alien water man.
And some of the label is now wet… oh God they’ll know, they’ll know. I’ll hand it to them and they’ll know what I did.