I got scared this morning, I was about to leave the house and was stooping down to pick up my phone (of the mobile variety, not to actually answer an old fashioned one that rings properly) when I saw a spider.
Admittedly not a huge spider, but one of those scary ones that go at light speed and freak me out. In fact all spiders freak me out, but this one more so. I was customarily late, but couldn’t spend the day knowing that this thing was in my room, possibly in my bed, or reading through my books.
I stamped down, missed and then got a weird dead fox floating in canal guilt about it. Shit, I’m a grown up. So I got a glass (which in itself was tricky, these things are fast, so I had to back into the kitchen, keeping an eye on it)
I came back with the glass and plonked it over his head, and it’s other bits. It wasn’t happy. It was raring up like a lion (well, not really, it just scuttled around under a glass for a bit…like a lion).
I picked up a flyer from my desk and slid it underneath the glass.
Now I could see his teeth, blood glinting off them, oh no, maybe he was radioactive and I’d become spiderman, or maybe he was rabid and I’d become dead, I didn’t want to take the risk)
I went to pick up the whole apparatus, but was scared. The flyer was flimsier than I’d have liked, I had to bend it round the edges and apply pressure, the spider was going livid and now had a knife.
I opened my balcony door, somehow the spider escaped, flying out from betwixt the glass and the flyer and onto the concrete of the balcony, now with an anti tank missile, I shut the door, with the knowledge that if it had touched me during it’s escape bid I may have actually fainted.
Now I’m scared that when I get home there’ll be an army of spiders at my balcony. All in little uniforms and everyfink (that might be quite cute….and that could be my final mistake…)