If Masterchef still existed, and I mean in the original Loyd Grossmade guise, not this new “Mastercheff goes large” pretence…it’s wrong…that man IS NOT Loyd Grossman…he doesn’t have cutlery for hands
But last night I had emm round, we went to sainsburys, I managed it with only a mild panic attack merely due to the overly large range of cheese and meat products at the Deli – I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT. And the shelves seemed to slightly close in on me near the paracetamols…but that happens to everyone I’m sure.
The aim of the day was cheap sainsbury’s shopping. But emm is a foody and I was panicking…so ended up buying lots of veg and taste the difference pork and brie (oh the damned cheese counter)
Little was I to know that this food was about to go and win me Masterchef in my Head 2005
We got back, I started the chopping, I spent my childhood watching Ready Steady Cook and so know how to chop an onion. So I chopped an onion correctly. Emma-Lee was very impresse, and rightfully so, already this had put me ahead of the other contestants in Masterchef in the judges eyes. Neither of the other contestants existed and therefore couldn’t possibly chop an onion as well as me.
Onions and leeks went ito the pan, as did peppers and mushrooms, fried on a low heat and not stirred but tossed in a way that only myself, Ainsley Harriot and the several million people how also have rudimentary hand to eye coordination. Luckily, the other two contestants didn’t have hands or eyes, and therefore found it very hard to coordinate the two. and (perhaps unfairly, I thoguht) they didn’t have pans, food or stoves either. I felt like my win was being too easy. But it could still all go wrong.
I put the pork in a seperate pan and fried it with a pear. A pear? Now I was getting worried my cockiness was going to get me disqualified. God knows what they were going to think about the brie that I put in next, but like Stephen hendry, I take gambles, and this was one was about to pay off.
I served up the meal with some steamed new potatoes (some undercooked, some over… I hoped the judges with their invisible mouths wouldn’t be able to taste the difference) and everyone agreed that I was indeed the Masterchef in my head winner 2005. It’s the proudest day of my week so far.