Remember that scene in one the Indiana Jones movies where he is forced into a pit of snakes “I hate snakes� You had to be there.
That was like me last night.
Admittedly I was in my room and not the desert surrounded by Nazis. Similarly I had no hat on.
And although I prefer baby kittens to snakes, they are not my fear.
But last night sat in my room trying to work, I had to have the window wide open as my room handily stores all the that in the flat. It was dark and had my desk lamp on.
This attracts moths, mosquitoes and Daddy Long Legs.
What the fuck are these things, wafting in and landing ON MY FACE? ON MY FACE IT’S ON MY FUCKING FACE.
I jumped up and patted myself down. It flew up to the lightshade and stayed there. I wondered whether killing it was bad, then remembered that it had LANDED ON MY FUCKING FACE. It was self defence.
But how do you kill a daddy long legs that’s resting on a paper lightshade? I had my shoes on my hands like some weird beshoed upright panda mong (I’m tired sorry) but any sudden movement could startle it and damage said lightshade that looks like it’s cool retro Habitat chic, but is actually probably just a relic from the seventies.
It starts to flap around in that wafty way (it really is a crap and pathetic excuse for an insect). Seemingly out of the window.
I say seemingly, I didn’t actually see it leave, I was cowering in a corner at the time reliving the horror of when it was ON MY FUCKING FACE.
After what seemed like a few seconds but was actually four and a half hours I tentatively crept over to the desk. I shook everything, nothing stirred. The coast must be clear. I settled down (and shut the window) it got hot (I opened it a bit) still hot (I opened it more.
A few hours later, in bed and unable to sleep, I decided to get up and try some more work. I turned on the computer, and the desk lamp. And…you guessed it , the little shit came at me and landed ON MY FUCKING FACE . The cheeky cunt had waited until he could ambush me, but it wasn’t an army (I fucking hoped not) just him it was a tough battle, at one point both of us holding on to the gun, would it go off? Sorry, too tired.
But I got him, I waited until he’d been burnt on the lightbulb, and as he circled down and down in a tail (or leg) spin I got my shoe and I ground him into the fucking carpet . Bang. Bang. Bang, the blood soaked tears streaming down my face. This is for my family you bastard. Bang. Now there was nothing left of him.
And I still have nightmares to this day.
Vietnam.